Struggling with injuries - working thru the emotions

[runcherylrun]

I've been struggling with this for a while I'm not sure what to do.

Ever since an achilles strain last spring, running has been almost impossible. I didn't worry so much about it over the summer, house reno's & work kept me otherwise occupied & I figured all it needed was a good rest. Unfortunately I "rested" just a little too much & gained 35lbs.
Like Oprah, I'm embarrassed & mad as hell I let it happen.

Then fall came & I felt the old tug again. I NEEDED to get back at it. And I mean I really needed to. I thought I was taking it slow, I thought the tightness was just rust, that I just needed to work it out.

I guess I thought wrong. Now it's the knee. It's been swollen & tender for the last 4 weeks.

I KNOW IT NEEDS REST.

I KNOW I SHOULD BE PATIENT.

I KNOW I'M DOING MORE ON MY KNEE THAN I SHOULD.

I KNOW all that, but there's a little voice inside me that says it's because I'm not working hard enough, if I just ignore the pain & keep at it, it will all go away.

Last week I had a panic attack because I didn't get a work out in before bed..... I sat there in the dark with my heart going a million miles a minute thinking I should be on my bike trainer.

How crazy is that????

Yesterday I went for a 7 mile walk - it hurt like heck by the end but I couldn't stop - it was like I needed the pain.

A large part of it is the weight gain - that feeling of sliding backwards or down that "slippery slope".

I'm having a massive identity crisis. Running has been such a huge part of my life these last few years. If I'm not a runner, who the heck am I?

Despite all the positive things I've experienced I just can't seem to get rid of this little voice that keeps saying "your a fraud - what if they find out your not who they think you are, what if they find out the "real" Cheryl isn't that slimmed down runner but the over weight wanna be???

I haven't been as supportive to everyone on here lately - I apologize about that - nothing ever sounded right.

But saying this out loud has helped a little - the rest, well.........work in process.

[waynerdog]

Despite all the positive things I've experienced I just can't seem to get rid of this little voice that keeps saying "your a fraud - what if they find out your not who they think you are, what if they find out the "real" Cheryl isn't that slimmed down runner but the over weight wanna be???

OK, there is no way I can let this go without commenting.

You are NOT a fraud! NOT NOT NOT!!! There is no fraud when you say about yourself or people say about you, "That's Cheryl. She's a marathoner." The present, and indeed the future, may never play out the way we want or intend, but what you have accomplished is very, very real and nobody - NOBODY - can ever take that away from you.

I understand - intimately - the feeling of putting on unwanted weight. I understand the knock that gives to a person's self-esteem, confidence, and perception of themselves. I live with that every single day of my life.

Not to suggest that thin, in-shape people don't understand (hell, I'm over 6 feet tall and 186lbs, so I'm hardly "huge"), but if you've been overweight - and I mean really, REALLY overweight - I think only then do you understand what it's like to be that way. Only then do you understand the concept that no matter what, there is an inner "fat" you always lurking inside and threatening to come back out.

I think of myself, and probably always will, as a fat person in a thinner body than I used to have. But if I ever stopped thinking of myself that way, my self-discipline and my ability to keep weight off and stay healthy would be very negatively impacted. It's not self-depracating to me to say about myself, "I am a fat person inside" because I am so susceptible to bad eating habits and poor choices if I don't remind myself of that often. So I have learned to say that to myself and at the same time remind myself of all that I have achieve and all I still look forward to achieving.

Injuries suck, but rarely are they permanent. I am very, very sorry to hear you are going through some tough moments, and I hope you are physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally better soon. In the meantime, be smart, do what you CAN do, and don't push your body to do what it can't do for the time being.

And please, no matter what you may feel right now Cheryl, remember that you have been a very significant inspiration to many people - myself included - through your journey and your accomplishments. You are VERY real, you are not a fraud, and you have done and will continue to do amazing things.

[runcherylrun]

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I didn't post just to hear wonderful things about me ....... not that hearing them doesn't feel good

Maybe others have felt the same ?

I know you understand about that little voice that sometimes seems to drown out every else - including common sense

I just feel like things are spinning out of control and I'm so afraid if I don't grab hold tight onto something - ie; exercise/running - it will all slip away.

The one thing that makes me feel good is, at least for now, the worst thing I can do.

I'm so screwed up

[eme]

What he said!

Cheryl, I feel your pain (literally) - when I injured my knee in Apr 2005, I didn't get surgery to fix it until Nov 2006. This meant no running of any amount from Apr 2005 to Apr 2007.

I gained around 30 to 35 lbs.

I reached my breaking point when I hit 176 lbs (I am 5 foot 2 inches) and I could *barely* fit in to my dress uniform for work.

I have a *great* picture of me receiving my Canadian Forces Decoration (long service medal) in where I barely fit in my tunic and I have two chins. I say that it is a *great* picture because it motivates me not to go back and that picture was taken the day that I went to see the dietician.

I had been running for so long, that I no longer knew how to eat as a person who was not able to run (I won't say non-runner) that I had to be retrained on how and what to eat.

The dietician was a big wake up call for me and showed me that I was able to manage my weight with as little as 30 minutes of cardio a day (mostly bike and swim at the time).

It will get better, just do what you can and keep moving - running will happen again once you are healed up.

[Ironboy]

For a fraud you have a pretty amazing résumé!!!

No bias here, but

GET IN THE POOL!!!!!

GET ON THE BIKE!!!!!

You legs will remember how to run when the time comes.

[abhainn]

Okay Miss Cheryl... First off. YOU ARE NOT A FRAUD!!!!! You are so far from being a fraud fraud can't even see your dust anymore. You have been, are and always be a great inspiration for so many people there aren't even numbers. Me included. So you just stop that kind of thinking/talk right now (done in my best scolding voice with *the look* possible). You hear me??? Just stop it.

Now as for your knee. What has been the prognosis? Last I remember you were told that there wasn't any cushion in there anymore but not much more information than that. Updates? If the docs over at PanAm (which I have to say, since the government took over, seems to be diminishing in quality) aren't giving you advice, information, etc you need to go somewhere else. There are a couple of us who go to Legacy in St. Vital. One of the docs there is a member here, I can see if I can get you in. But you need to know what you've got going on there, what will happen, what needs to happen, and what it will allow you to do. Answers answers answers. Speaking as an impatient person myself I know how hard it is to wait for something, but I find that if I'm being proactive, researching whatever it is that is bothering me it helps some to feel that I am being "active" in a way. Does that make sense? In my head it does anyway.

But Cheryl, please please please don't hurt your knee further by pushing things. If you must walk walk for 30minutes at a time. Do a bit in the morning and some at night. 7miles in one big chunk is nuts. If you can get on the trainer and it doesn't hurt your knee do it (even thought is boring as all get out, I'd rather run on the TM for 7 hours).

I say this about my feet all the time (if you saw my mothers mangled toes you would understand), but they have to get me through the rest of my life. It's worth it to sacrifice a bit now to still be able to walk like a normal walking human being when I'm 80. Feet. Knees. They're all the same. They need to take you through so much more than what you can see right now so do what you must, what you have to, to take care of them for your future.

And please, no matter what you may feel right now Cheryl, remember that you have been a very significant inspiration to many people - myself included - through your journey and your accomplishments. You are VERY real, you are not a fraud, and you have done and will continue to do amazing things.

I concur.

[eme]

I second Legacy.

I did my physio there (the physio side is called Elite) and they were fantastic (I have never worked so hard in physio before in my life and this was post surgery rehab ).

[starting_over]

Hi Cheryl,

I know I don't know you well but in reading this post I had to respond as well.

I would say that each of us on here "relies" on running/exercise for our sanity, well-being,weight control etc etc etc (we all have personal reasons for its importance in our lives). It's something we enjoy doing but something we also have come to know as a significant part of our life. When injuries happen there is severe disruption to our normal way of thinking/life. You feel incomplete, unhealthy, and I know in my case, I just can't stop thinking about it either. I don't know if this exactly is your case as well, but you start to feel out of control....because normally you can control your exercise, which controls your weight, which controls your emotions, which control your stress.....

I think there is a lot of good advice on dealing with the injury itself....that you need to be careful with. You will get back...and be back even better if you can be careful with your recovery. A separate issue, and something I think many of us have issues with is that we don't know how to eat when we are not running/exercising. We are so used to eating FOR running (pre-workout meal, post-workout meal etc etc) that it's hard to recalibrate. We also get so stressed about not exercising that we eat due to stress and emotional eating. I know when I got injured for only a month I gained an abnormal amount of weight!....it was just crazy. One thing that I found helped was really focusing on what I was eating and really empowering my body with healthy foods and doing it right. I read the clean-eating diet book which was recommended to me by a dietician when I expressed the problems I have when I can't exercise. I HATE the word diet but I found it really focused on eating frequently and thinking about WHAT I was putting in myself, and making conscious whole-food choices. I'm not saying I figured it out...I still struggle a LOT... but it was really helpful in thinking of my body in a different way. I tend to control everything through exercise and this was another way of controlling things in a healthy manner.

I'm a little hesitant about posting this but hopefully it helps a little:)

Chantelle

[runcherylrun]

but you start to feel out of control....because normally you can control your exercise, which controls your weight, which controls your emotions, which control your stress.....

EXACTLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I reread my post & started thinking - wow does that ever sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself - that's not it, it's that feeling of losing control

I'm a little hesitant about posting this but hopefully it helps a little:)

I'm really glad you didn't hesitate.

[ultraslacker]

I'm having a massive identity crisis. Running has been such a huge part of my life these last few years. If I'm not a runner, who the heck am I?

I think it's important not to let running be your whole identity. Without running, who are you? From what I can see, you are:
- a devoted wife and mother
- intelligent
- encouraging
- a woman who successfully lost a lot of weight through hard work and determination
- a woman who is a huge inspiration to a lot of people, with or without running
- a woman who has raised a LOT of money for charity

And a lot more things--those are just the first things I think of when I think of you. Running is just one part of you, and I have full confidence that you can and will get through this--you've already proven that you can do anything. :)

[bnn]

no advice

just ((hugs))

[bunsontherun]

Cheryl, I could never think of you as a fraud. You have been a positive influence in many people who are on this board and I am sure it is the same with the many more who you interact with everyday. You certainly were an influence on me one special weekend.

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."
John Wooden.